8 Reasons I Could Never Be “Miss USA”

Last Sunday I tuned in to the annual Miss USA competition. For those of you who are confused about this (rightfully so- there are many beauty pageants out there- it’s hard to keep track), it’s the one that’s run by Donald Trump.

I’ve always enjoyed watching beauty pageants. Mainly I watch to see their evening gowns, but I always end up finding a favorite in the beginning and then I’m sucked in to watch the entire thing to see if she wins. Betting sometimes ensues if I’m watching it with other people, so it makes the competition more interesting.

With that being said, I have a lot of respect for these women. Not only do they have to have a beautiful face, they also need perfect hair, a hot body, a college education, tons of community service hours and extracurricular activities. When do these women have time to breathe? And as every other average girl out there is watching, I think, “Why can’t I look and be like them?” Luckily for me, I’m pretty honest with myself and I realize that the closest I’ll ever be to becoming Miss USA is when I won Prom Queen back in 2006.

With that being said, I’ve come up with a list of reasons why I could never be Miss USA.

Reasons I Could Never Be Miss USA

1. My height. Let’s be realistic here, there are certain things we just cannot change about ourselves. Yes, I can cake on the makeup, tease the living daylights out of my hair, and go fake tanning to change my appearance, but I can’t magically make myself taller. You have to be tall to be a beauty queen. 5″8 or taller. Even with the highest of heels on, my little 5″2 frame isn’t going to cut it.
2. My body. Some women are born with beautiful bodies and don’t need to exercise a day of their life. While the number is few, they exist. I’m lucky to be blessed with good genetics from my mother’s side in terms of my weight, but I am far from the ideal body these women have. They somehow manage to pull off being skinny and muscular at the same time, all with huge boobs (and most of them are real- I rarely see the tell-tale signs of implants). Again, no matter how hard or often I worked out, my hips aren’t magically going to appear and I’ll never have their thick and toned legs. Sigh.
3. Facial expressions. Sure, I had braces when I was younger and I take good care of my teeth, but my smile can’t compare to the huge, blinding ones these ladies have. And how on earth do they hold that perfect smile for so long? My cheeks hurt after fake smiling for pictures! I also have the really bad habit of rolling my eyes or making discouraging faces- or so I’m told. I don’t notice I’m doing this and can’t control it, which probably would result in some negative scores from the judges.
4. My face itself. As I mentioned earlier, makeup can only do so much for you. I actually think that’s one of the few things I would be good at if I were a pageant queen- doing my own makeup. However, the fact that I have a large nose and a “youthful appearance” (that’s code for I get mistaken for a 16-year old quite often) would prevent me from ever winning a title.
5. Talent. This specific pageant (Miss USA) does not have a talent portion, but many other pageants on television do. I can’t dance, I certainly can’t sing, and I don’t play an odd instrument. I always wonder what my “talent” would be- making beautiful glass clinking music a la “Miss Congeniality”? I’m pretty witty, so maybe I could do stand-up and make fun of the other contestants and/or Donald Trump? Somehow I don’t think that would go over well with the judges…
6. I prefer Vaseline on my lips, not on my teeth.
7. The stares. I know this sounds weird, but I don’t really enjoy people looking at me. I get bouts of social anxiety at times, so I don’t think I could handle all those people staring at me and judging me with a number score.
8. Girls hate me. Although you read a lot of reports about how pageant women get in cat-fights backstage, they all seem to act like one big happy family during those corny video segments. Most girls I meet just don’t like me. I’m not quite sure why, either, but I guess that’s another blog post in its entirety. My point is that I know some looney-toon contestant would put Nair in my shampoo or secretly bake peanuts into the cookies (I’m allergic) to ruin my shot at winning.