A Man Hit on Me on LinkedIn. This is the Story.

If you work in a professional setting, chances are you have a LinkedIn profile. When the social network first came out when I was in college, I hopped on the bandwagon in anticipation of getting my first big girl job out of it. While that didn’t immediately happen, having a LinkedIn page has helped me immensely in my professional career and personal life. I actually got my current job through LinkedIn. My current boss (who was my future boss at the time) found my profile on LinkedIn, liked what she saw, and had an internal recruiter reach out to me about the job. LinkedIn has also helped me get some good freelance gigs and keep in touch with professional contacts from past jobs and internships.

But with all the good comes the bad. Namely the incessant emails I never signed up for, recruiters spamming me about jobs not related to my skill set, and, now, creepy men. That’s right, after having a profile for roughly six years, I’ve finally gotten my first creepy message from a connection on LinkedIn. I’ve heard about this happening to other women (obviously women that are much more attractive than myself) and figured I was one of the lucky few who managed to avoid this.

Earlier this week, I received a message from a gentleman from France (I say this because the message was written in French and his profile said he was located in France. I did my research, obviously. And yes, he’s a real person with real connections and works at real companies. He’s not a robot). Since I don’t speak French, I had to rely on Google translate to read the message, which looked like this:

To the pleasure that your thoughts allow my pen to soar! Good evening miss Rachel Maleady, nearly my lady! My heart vibrates to surrender you these few words, hoping that they raise in you more than a few emotions. Tell me in the language of your choice, provided that you expose me to the torment of pleasure. Enter me by the pen, and I will captivate you in a harmless way without expecting more than your most developed sense! Your eyes, your smile, the contours of your thoughts give me the impetus to write to you. Do you have an ounce of pleasure? I would hope you, this delicious creature, who constantly has me fixated… Oops! It is only your photo, but it assists me so deliciously! I wish you all the happiness in the world ravishing Rachel, and I’d like to place you under my yoke, enjoyably. My thoughts embrace you, crisp miss Maleady, an almost prescient name. Wink!

With my finest and gentle sympathy,

[Name Redacted for privacy of the poor bastard]

Where do I even start? This guy is a fucking poet. His LinkedIn may say he works in Electric Security, but I think he might be the modern-dau Wordsworth or Longfellow. I allow his pen to soar – I feel so special! I mean I always wanted a guy in a rock band or write a song about me (teenage dreams), but having a French stranger on LinkedIn do it instead is practically the same, right?

And can we talk about how clever is he for taking my last name — Maleady, pronounced “Muh-lady” but often referred to as “My lady” — and making a joke about it? I mean, it’s almost as if it’s the first time someone has made that joke all my 20-something years on this planet. With a pick-up line like that, how could I say no?

Phrases like “torment of pleasure” and “enter me by the pen” leave me feeling confused and sick. How exactly would I enter him by the pen? That just sounds painful, but I mean some people are into that kind of stuff.

All in all, I’m glad that he at least admitted that it’s only my photo (and the “contours of my face”) that attracts him to me. He clearly didn’t see all the kick-ass marketing things I’ve done and pieces I’ve written that are displayed on my LinkedIn profile. What’s the point of even having one if people are just going to judge me by my head shot and not my accomplishments? We all know women aren’t worth anything more than their “eyes and smile”.

Lastly, I’ll admit I had to Google what he meant by “I’d like to place you under my yoke, enjoyably”. But here’s what went through my head as the search results loaded. Comparing me to an ox, I see. What a way to win over a lady.

I’m still debating if I should write back to him or not. I’ll obviously need to translate my message in French so he can understand it, which will inevitably come out jumbled and not 100% accurate. Any ideas?